I feel so fucked up right now. Tomorrow is his birthday and Sunday is his six-month memorial mass.
I can feel myself sliding down the hill back into the darkness that was in my life over 10 years ago. My brother was the only man I believed when he said I was beautiful.
I was just beginning to get better when he passed away. I was just trying to reach for some hope that I could have happiness. A loving boyfriend, a wonderful family, supportive friends. It seems like most of it is in shambles. Not that some of it isn't my fault.
I don't want anyone to see me. I don't want to see the looks on their faces when they finally recognize me. I don't want to hear the clamor of people around me, or their rudeness. I don't want to be asked how I've been or `how I am doing. Because all I can do is lie. Yes, I'm fine. Yes, I'm eating right. Yes, I have hopes and dreams and goals. How did I lose the weight? a year of thinking something was incredibly wrong with me.
6 months... 6 months without my Eddy. The only one who got all of my jokes and made me laugh so hard that i couldn't breathe. the only man i trusted.
it just hurts.